Professional Blog Entry #4

This is how working makes me feel.

Professional Blog Entry #3

Here are a couple professional pictures of me when I worked at Bellacino's.



Notice the butter spray on the nipples. We did that just about every day.



This is one of me hard at work. Notice how much I enjoy working.

That's all for this professional blog entry!

Professional Blog Entry #2

When I worked at Bellacino's I would always steal the raw cookies and eat them when the owner or manager stepped outside. I'd eat them in one bite, without fear of choking or bacteria. I'd just shove them in my mouth like the cookie monster. I don't regret doing that, and, if given the opportunity, I'd do it again. Times 100.

Professional Blog Entry #1

In this blog I will discuss how I enjoy serving my employer. Let the discussion begin.

I enjoy doing things for my employer. I like payday even more. I like donut hour. I take long bathroom breaks. I smoke in the bathroom. I draw graffiti in the bathroom stalls. I argue about Metallica on the walls. I wrote "Metallica Rules!" with a lightning bolt for an exclamation mark. Someone else wrote "Metallica Sucks!" To which I wrote "You Suck!" To which they responded "Fuck You!" To which I responded "Ride the Lightning!" which ended the discussion. Then I went back to my chair and played Text Twist on my computer.

You are my sunshine...

Making fun of babies to their stupid faces.

Why do people feel the need to pretend that babies, especially newborns, are cute? They're the most freakish and disturbing creatures in existence. My roommate keeps watching slasher movies, which I find to be boring and irritating, and I just think that there are scarier things. If I want to be scared I'll watch a video of a human birth. It's supposed to be the most natural thing, but it looks more like dislodging some obscure mythological creature that controls young couples with its screams from a morbidly stretched human crotch. Actually, minus the mythological part, that's exactly what it is. I want no part of it.

Babies are ugly. 2006. That should be my campaign issue.

This is what I like to write about.

Things that people need to stop f---ing writing about...

Zombies
Ninjas
Pirates
Vikings
Knights
Samurais
Lumberjacks
Dragons (as cool as they are...)
Wizards
Werewolves
Vampires
Mermaids/men
Fairies
Elves
Flowers that can talk
Anything from European (this includes Greece and Rome) mythology
Anything that already exists in fiction and comedy stuff frequently.

After Slop Lit 2 I’ll probably add hobos to this list.

Things that there should be more stories about…

Bears
Scuba divers
Lepidopterists
People with unibrows
Umm…other things that no one writes about too.

I've only been drunk

once this semester, and this destresses me. One of these nights I'm gonna drink and have a one man party (not a term for masturbation. Who needs to be drunk to do that?). I think I'm gonna drink and then write poetry until I'm sober. Here's a poem I just wrote about five minutes ago.

If Dr. Seuss and Gertrude Stein had an atheist baby that grew up to be a poet that could never get past the first line...

God is a dog is a frog on a log is a frog on a dog log

I'm just kidding. That's hardly a poem. It's more of a punchline that only has the chance of being funny to people who've read Gertrude Stein's poetry.

Just between me and you, internet, I'm not a fan of Gertrude Stein. I am, however, a fan of the Decemberists, and I just managed to pick up (wink) their new cd. It's pretty good so far. I'd recommend it.