from a dream i had...

let me tell you something: a poem

i have a dream.
and i don't want
to give away all the details,
but the dream involves
nyquil drinking fountains.

root beer hangover

nothing sucks more than a root beer hangover.

shhhhhka

i invented a new kind of music today. it's called "shhhhhka music." it's when you play a ska record on mute. zing!

the passion of the christ

this would've made the movie a lot more interesting.

it is internet dating for dogs.

and everyone is a winner.

white people

this is what white people do when they are bored. i am inspired.

Child-Rearing

If I have children, I will teach them the Wingding alphabet first, Modern English alphabet second. I want my children to be receptacles of useless knowledge and skills. This way they can become contestants on Jeopardy and win me some money to blow on Vicks Vapo-Rub. My children will learn to count with Roman numerals. They will learn the metric system (which is actually useful). They will also be taught how to wear girdles and tie bow ties; this is more for my own amusement. My eldest son will receive everything upon my death, which is assuming that he WILL fulfill the condition that he must win the World Series MVP, cure a disease and write a Pulitzer prize-winning novel all in the same year. It is imperative that a parent must be strict with a child. Never should a child be allowed to stray from the path that the parent has chosen for him/her, several years before conception. For every time the child ends a sentence with a preposition, the child will receive a washrag welt on the back. The times tables will be enforced as heavily as the Ten Commandments. Thou shalt not miss 7 x 6 (which is forty-two). I expect my children to be able to classify regional plant life down to the phylum. Pre-medieval Turkish history will be a hobby, not a punishment. They will cherish the works of Beethoven before Bon Jovi; Bon Jovi is just awful noise. Culture will be the word that subconsciously billows from their mouths as they drift into sleep at night. They will not snore.

So you see that I would make a loving and dedicated father, pushing my children toward success and away from the abscess of poverty. Come ladies! I am single and sexy!